sparse,
like the thorn trees
in the desert of my days,
are the words for how
you flood me
like the rain.
uncertain
of my need,
miles from high ground
and silence,
the clouds gather.
innumerable,
torrential,
terrifying
truths.
this is not where i thought i would be at 21.
this was not where i was supposed to be.
there should (would) have been results.
there should (would) have been wide open spaces.
there should (would) have been things that actually mattered.
there should have been anything
but this.
since i braved the “storm” and went home last weekend, i thought i might as well brave the “rain” and go out sunday to watch the upb basketball team play at the bbeal (baguio benguet uh…educational athletic league?) opening. upb was playing slu, so winning wasn’t even a remote possibility. instead, we were there to cheer on “short term goals,” as we used to tell bryan. in other words, lose, yes, but by less than 10 points.
for those who cheer on the u.p. maroons men’s basketball teams, short term goals are the most we can hope for. and yet, we cheer on anyway. we show up in droves and heckle the competition, even when they have more fans, when they own the gym, and yes, even when they’re winning.
funnily enough, nothing seems tragic about it, and maybe because it defies resignation in the face of almost certain defeat. maybe because we can still hope- maybe things will turn out differently, but if they don’t, at least it’s a good time to be had for all. and when we lose, we lose with a bang. a loud, raucous, never-say-die bang. after all, it’s easy as pie to cheer for a winning team. but cheering for a losing team, that takes something else. haha.
sometimes, i wonder if i can be this way about lots of other things; if i can stand to get up and cheer them on to keep fighting, even when doom is imminent; if i can hope that the next possession…or quarter…or half…or game will be better than the last. or maybe there wasn’t enough hope in pandora’s box to go around.
its raining. its not even the rain i like- the kind that just sweeps over the world and leaves it clean and fresh and interesting. this rain is the kind that can’t make up its mind- it starts and stops- leaving mud and leaks on the ceiling, clogged drains and traffic in its wake.
a lot of things have been weighing me down lately, so much that i feel like throwing up (and no, it isn’t (just) because i’ve done nothing but eat whilst classes have been out). and i’m starting to wonder if it’s a good rainstorm that i need. maybe if i let it all hang out (so to speak), and not care, or explain or overanalyze, everything will just wash away until the water runs clear. and then it’ll be like walking across the ateneo field after a good, sensible downpour- when everything smells nice and feels new.
but of course, everything isn’t quite as optimistic-or simple. and if i rain on anything now, i’m only bound to end up with what typhoon egay wreaking outside- an uncomfortable, squishy mess.
the eskinitas of barangka are home to a wandering community of cats. they hang around the stairs to ateneo, the cat lady’s fence, the kids in the playground and your front door, but they do this at their leisure. they don’t really belong to anyone, not even the cat lady, who feeds them everyday, and probably de-worms them and treats their ills. they are gypsy cats, and barangka is their range.
kubi and i have named the cats we see oftenest (sweetling, sev, teddy and luna). naming something attaches you to it, it identifies a connection more than an individual entity. but kubi also said that even when we are on first name basis, so to speak, with these cats, we still allow them a wide breadth. we say hello, but we don’t pet them, and the imminent risk of rabies is only one deterrent. these cats are no pets, no domesticated litters. they are as wild as urban dwelling creatures can get, pusakal as an almost separate species.
the cat’s attribute is its independence, says badgerlock’s old blood tales in fool’s errand by robin hobb. there’s a story about a woman who wanted to form a wit-bond with a cat. the cat suffered her to be around, and let the woman feed her warmed milk, and brush her fur and amuse her with string, but when the woman asked the cat to be her bond-beast, the cat refused: “because if you bond me,” the cat said, “you would lose that which you love most about me.”
cats are interesting, finicky, wonderful creatures. their angas (and no, there is no right english translation for that word) is strangely comforting in this crazy pretentious world. they have enough angas them to hang it all and be themselves.
i just finished my 5 digests, and they have used up my words. so i shall recycle. (yes, these conversations were real).
monday, the long weekend that is not
study. shower. fall asleep in the living room. then someone’s at the door
nic: hi kubs!
kubs: hi nics! has your key been in the lock outside all this time?
tuesday, night, studying for sales
text message from president chino: guys, baka, baka lang, umabot tayo sa part 3 ng outline sa sales bukas, kasi mag-eextend si maam.
nic: *in an attempt not to panic, falls asleep on page 1*
wednesday, labor with sir disini
sir disini: your next assignment will be for an hour-and-a-half class. so read on employee classification, until probationary employees. that’s pages 12 to 17 of the outline.
nic: *sure, if only thursday was a week long.*
thursday, yay no class. best friends sirs sison and labitag go to samar.
kubi: *making eggs for breakfast*
nic: why is the kitchen floor all wet?
nic: * peers under the sink.*
nic: shit, its leaking.
friday, joint class at the law center
choi: 4 na cases lang ang ipapa-recit, ang malas naman ng matatawag.
dy: insurable interest daw.
nic: ha? akala ko part 4?!?
dean carale: today, we will have a 2 hour recit. yes. that’s what the mic there at the back is for. so if you didn’t study, i’m sorry (not sounding very sorry at all).
nic: *calculating the time it’ll take to grab her bag and make for the door without being noticed. then stays, eventually, and hyperventilates all throughout class, especially at the end, when dean carale says he won’t check attendance *
saturday, at flaming wings. yay, no crim pro.
nic: isa po nung chicken tenders.
kuya waiter: drinks po?
nic: isa pong san mig light.
kw: aah, pag yung beer kasi, hihingi kami ng i.d.
nic: um. okay.
aaaaaand its monday again. what will the future bring, i wonder.
i didn’t get the chance to see what tourists see in koronadal and lake sebu;, there were limitations to being a girl traveling on her own. but adventure always waits for us, we just have to stop automatically classifying things as mundane and routine, just because they aren’t in the guidebooks. adventure is, after all, a personal foray into a personal unknown, after which you come out seeing the world differently. so these are part 1 of my (somewhat disjointed) adventures, except the one with the old man with a violin, which i mean to write a proper story for one of these days. i was in saranggani after this, which means new pictures (when i find them) and the stories to match.
the csdo office. i was so confused where it was at first. miss joyce called when i was on the bus, but i promptly fell asleep as soon as i hung up, and forgot all the instructions. NMUD? NDUM? no, its NDMU, miss joyce said, when i texted to ask, sounding quite frantic, i think. as in notre dame of marbel university. ooooh. maliligaw talaga ang hindi nakikinig.
one of the first words maam belle taught me was kaon. meaning, if it isn’t obvious, kain. and there was a whole lot of kaon going on at the office. pan and the strawberry jam i brought from baguio. camote buchi. which ruby liked to eat with the stawberry jam. street food chicken hotshots. red chippy and cornflakes. mocha cake at the bot meeting/birthday party. and pansit. lots and lots of pansit. meryenda palang yan.
i miss my office. food does taste better when you’re eating with people you enjoy being with. aaaand i am currently super mega ultimate bookworm (or something to that effect) in 2 office computers, haha.
mariz dorm for girls. home base for a month-ish. it was pretty empty for a college dorm, it being summer and all. for a while, i thought the only occupants of the second floor were me, and the girl in the next room, whose presence i was aware of only by the music playing behind the door. but because i see ghost stories everywhere, i wondered what it would be like if there actually was no girl next door after all. gasp, gasp, hyperventilate.
and THEN on my last week, there was no more music. and there was only dark behind the locked doors, and the open empty ones under repair seemed to stare not too pleasantly. i had the bathrooms to myself, and the entire row of faucets and the long mirror on the wall. emily rose, emily rose.
kamusta naman ang praning.
porky’s best. i scoped out the neighborhood sari sari stores. one offered freshly cooked chicharon. intriguing. akala ko ba luto na ‘yun, ibang level ‘to. apparently, porky’s best stands re-fry the chicharon in boiling oil right before your eyes so you get all puffy. and soaking in suka. yum, yum. a healthier chicharon alternative is the tilapia version in lake sebu. its like fish fillet, but sliced thinner. and fried crunchier. i instantly remembered maika.
other things on the tilapia repertoire, while we’re on the subject, are tilapia bicol express, sizzling tilapia, daing na tilapia, oh heck, whatever can be done with pork, beef, chicken, and obviously, other fish, can also be done with tilapia in abundance. at one point, i asked what sugba was, thinking it would be some other food product. but no, sugba means grilled. tilapia.
the skylab. the skylab is the only way to get around lake sebu (at least it was for me, the girl who can’t drive). it’s a single engine motorbike with an extended rear, and it usually costs 7 pesos to get to where you need. it can seat as many people as it needs to. i saw one with 4 people behind the driver, and 1 more balancing rather precariously on the front handlebars. and yes, everyone was full grown to actual size.
i told maam belle this back at the office. she said 5 people was nothing, she’d actually seen skylabs hold up to 7 passengers. or 1 driver, and a ginormous sack of coal.bonus: take the skylab when manong driver’s trying to beat the rain. taob ang need for speed. to his credit, he checks behind him once in a while to see if you’re still there.
the cowhed office. home base in lake sebu, for me, and for the sweetest, most showbiz kids ever. my case study was on the cowhed women’s cooperative, but i couldn’t ask questions all the time. so when i wasn’t, i was running around with khonee and erik, playing hide and seek, or singing to britney on the videoke cd. they seemed amused that i could actually fit under the tables and duck into the closets. and that yes, though it pains me to admit, i could sing along to from the bottom of my broken heart. on my last day, khonee introduced me to the rest of the girls in the neighborhood too, and we all had fun messing with the camera.
at lunchtime, their moms, maam gemma and maam dianne would call us in to eat. after which we would all run off to play outside. i was around so often, the girl in the store across the street thought i was maam gemma’s sister.
it was like being 7 again. the world doesn’t give chances like that everyday.
lake sebu. i wrote in my gundam notebook one day that i felt like i was in the chill-est place on earth. and i was. nothing about the lake rushes you. if anyone can drown from looking at something for so long, i think i might have.
no picture does it justice. pictures only freeze an image- and not even in one in its entirety. its like seeing the water without the ripples, the hyacinths without the blue dragonflies, the lake without its quiet. that experience is something you have to have for yourself. i found myself wondering what it used to be like up there, before the settlement, the resorts and the roads- when all there was were the lakes, and the mountains, and the people who knew them best. then there was magic, then there was chill i only got a frozen image of.
mcgregor’s coffee house. i only went twice, because it seemed like the sossiest place in town, and sossy i can’t afford. so both times i went, i sat at the same table for 4 hours, time i didn’t really notice, on account of the oblicon exam and the rush rush of my project proposal. when i had finished though, i realized that THAT was the best thing about the place. the air is good for my frazzled perpetually in a hurry nerves. must be all the caffeine in it, ala rome ba.
victor frankl, i think, said that man can manage the how of anything, so long as he knows the why. it’s the first week of school again, and in many ways, it’s a lot like a last year, except we’re all a bit older and less lost. but i find that this year is different because i’ve found my why. i know it at least. and that makes breathing all the easier. anyway, all is to be continued in part 2.
there used to be this rpg called tales of destiny. in where it was set, in the sky was a mirror image of the world below it. conversely, in the sky world, looking down meant seeing a mirror image of where you were. both were equally intrguing in their similarity, but not quite the same, and frighteningly so.
i remembered my old video game after the first few lake sebu pictures. hence this series. when there’s only one image in the shot, its the one reflected in the water.
(after all, a picture is only a mirror image of the real thing).
6 weird things to mark a move, and a return. as i’ve promised kubs.
The Rules: Each player of this game starts with six weird things about themselves. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own six weird things as well as state the rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose six people to be tagged and list their names. Don’t forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog.
#1 i have an embarrasing amount of half-full notebooks stashed in the hidden recesses of my room. i keep buying new ones, marvelling at the fresh. clean pages, defacing them with my drivel and eventually losing them to the shadows of the pandimension. when i find them again, i’ve lost all interest and revisiting the contents fills me with dread shame. but i don’t want to throw them out either, because that’d be killing trees. my current notebook has the mobilesuit gundam seed robots on the cover. it was the most neutral one in all of kcc marbel.
#2 i like maps. i could stare at them all day. my planner came with a teensy little world map on the back cover and i squint at it when i’m not paying attention in class, whilst tracing imaginary travel routes. if i could apparate, my pieces would be all over the place.
#3 i’m ridiculously OC about my handwriting. and my sewing. if my notes aren’t to my satisfaction, i rip out the page and start over. if my stitches aren’t small enough, evenly spaced and/or all the same size, i cut the knot and pick them out. with the rest of my life, i’m a holy mess.
#4 i always seem to be in everyone’s way. to illustrate: when in line at the grocery (any grocery. anywhere.), and someone happens to be coming through with a full cart, or a stack of flattened cartons, or last minute additions to their shopping, they always, always, choose to cut in right in front of me. if there ever was a token “excuse me” girl, i’m it.
#5 the moment my friends and i walk into a bookstore to “look around,” we disperse, almost by some unspoken command. its almost as if we forget that we came in with each other to begin with. we reconvene once in a while though, when we find something really cool, which, most of the time, we can’t afford.
#6 ever since kubi and i saw ocean’s 11, we’ve been plotting our own heist (can i say that? is it legal?) so we can retire comfortably in a tuscan vineyards with ferraris and big, friendly dogs. for a while the plan was to kidnap noli de castro, but we figured there was more money in vegas.
okay. i can now tag:
1. maika
2. nine
3. boom
4. awi
5. kay-kay
